I feel like I need to tell you something
We need to talk!
I've been working on this post for months, I kept deleting it because I wasn’t ready. I guess this isn’t really the kind of thing I’d normally be sharing but it somehow feels good so I’m doing it. I think I just want to get some feelings out there to explain what's going on. The first part of this is written while being in big snotty cries.
I haven't been as active and productive as I wished. I almost haven't posted anything since the beginning of March, I've been busy and prioritising work over personal gains and projects, but there is something else that happened 4 months ago that I want to talk about.
The last 9 months have been the hardest months of my life! Back in September my mom and I visited my childhood country Luxembourg where I was born and raised. It was almost 4 years since my last visit, so seeing my childhood home walking around the village I grew up in and seeing old friends of the family was so nice
Eating good food, drinking good wine and eating at the local pizzeria where we used to go with some of our local friends that still live in the same village as we did. Seeing all the things we were used to, just having a good mother and son time was amazing.
Shortly after we got home my mom got sick and was diagnosed with cancer. Seeing her fight against this horrible disease and getting weaker and weaker was brutal. Spending Christmas without knowing if this would be the last one we would have together...no words can describe that.
Seeing that chemotherapy just made her even weaker... fuck life is unfair. Fast forward to the second week of March, getting a call from my brother telling me that my mom was being rushed to the hospital... unconscious. Leaving everything behind at work, rushing to the hospital and spending the next around 36 hours there with her, my brother and sister. And then finally being at her side and seeing her take her last (at this point I broke down in tears and had to take a moment before writing the last word in the sentence) breath. My mom was gone....moved on to a better place without pain but at least 20 years to early.
Looking back at the trip to Luxembourg, I'm so happy that we made it happen before it was too late. The fact that it was back to my childhood country where it all started, was seen in the backlight the perfect last trip we had together.
A new everyday life without a mom had to begin, I had to get back to work and back to a normal everyday, back to what I did before... life somehow moves on after all, even when it's hardest. It's now been a bit more than four months since she passed away. I have good and bad days, it's getting better... I still miss her every day, I still tell myself that I have to phone my mom and tell her this and that, just to remember that she's gone.
Okay moving on to a more positive note:
I've been working at Wonderful Copenhagen for a little over a year, and I still love it, it's still my dream job, I wake up every day looking forward to head to work and do what I love. I'm blessed to have a job that's also my passion. Getting more responsibility and new challenges, seeing the company evolve, having amazing colleagues and being part of a top business team is just inspiring. It surely have been a huge help to have a job, a place to go where I could try to focus on something else than what I'm going through. I can't imagine how I would have coped if I was still a freelancer. I'm still only employed on a contract for the rest of 2018. Hopefully I'll get a new contract sometime after the summer holidays. To be honest it's hard and frustrating not to know what the future looks like, not knowing that you at least have a job and a steady income, when at the same time so many other things is happening in your life.
On a personal level there's so many ideas that I want to execute. A lot more video, finally getting into food and lifestyle photography, more personal stuff and not just doing what I know people want and expect to see from me, I know this will mean I'll take some big hits on engagement... but fuck that. I know this will sound like an excuse and it might very well be...but some of my ideas kinda require a new apartment with some specific furniture and interior design possibilities that’s only achievable when I move into a new apartment, and that brings me on the my next thing.
I've been looking for a new apartment for quite some time. Actually I think I told my mom I was thinking about moving around last summer, but due to financial uncertainties it didn't happened at that time. After she got sick I decided that now wasn't the right time to spend time looking at apartments. Now seems better than ever, I need a new fresh start a new place to call home, a place to furnish with some of my dream furnitures, a place to chill a place where I can cook and experiment more with food, a place where I can see myself with a future girlfriend and maybe someday in the future a little one. I’m not sure where in Copenhagen my next apartment lies. I thought I was hooked on the idea to buy an apartment in the inner city, the thought of walking out the front door and just being there, right in the middle of the city is pleasing. But at the same time it might be sensible to by bigger apartment in one of the neighbourhoods of Vesterbro or Frederiksberg if I can get another 10-20 square meters and a balcony for the same price. Another thing that speaks for buying an apartment outside the inner city is that it’s much easier to walk down the street to your local wine bar, brasserie or coffee/croissant pusher and that sounds pretty damn amazing in my ears. I will begin to look at apartments around September and I really hope that I can move this fall.
In the middle of all these things going on in my life I somehow managed to find room for dating, with mixed success. I've been single for many years not because I didn't want a girlfriend... maybe it's because I don't go out much so I'm not meeting that many girls beside my friends, their friends and at work, maybe because I'm a bit picky, maybe because I'm a bit introvert, I don't know. I thought I found her but it ended as a summerflirt. The only thing I know is that my dream girl is still somewhere out there.
And that's the main reason I havn't been that active on Instagram lately.
Miss you mom, but you'll always be with my in my heart!